Gun Owner Hazards

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Gun Owner Hazards

John Longenecker        

Safer Streets - Gun Owner Hazards. . .

News release from Blephescu Laboratories and Forensics - an American non-profit think tank - announced new scientific findings every gun owner should know.

Blephescu CEO Alfred Blephescu III reports recent conclusions supporting foreseeable liability issues which must be incorporated in all handgun and defensive gun training courses.

 

Auric Golden, chief physio-dynamic engineer for Blephescu North Americatold reporters late Sunday, "We are announcing forensic standards of autopsy which will be incorporated into the continuing education and in-service training of all pathologists. These new findings impact gun owners profoundly."

 

Golden reports that intruder zombies shot in self-defense upon breaking and entering cannot be distinguished at autopsy from living human beings.

 

Dr. Golden emphasized, "At autopsy, we are able to demonstrate gun shot wound as the original and primary cause of death, with no evidence of any previous death or any antecedent cause of death whatsoever. Any and all a prioriC.O.D. are entirely absent, forensically speaking, and all gun owners need to be made aware that the intruder they fire upon - zombie or not - will be forensically found to be a living human being at the time contemporaneous with the shooting."

 

Asked for an assessment of this news item, an anonymous New Yorkofficial remarked, "Well, our constituents have the right to feel safe from guns on the street or in the home, whether they are zombie-Americans or not."

 

Intruder zombies have been a problem for northern Europe's villages and in some major outlying settlements for generations, and have been the topic of increasing reports since the great Gun Confiscation and Ban of 1997.

 

Some have been elected to office while others have entered the entertainment industry, and still, science cannot readily identify zombie personalities easily.

 

"No real objective test exists," Golden added. "You can't judge a person by the mottling on their skin," Golden remarked. "Hasn't hatred of others done enough? The hate has to stop."

 

Since the start of the year, more deaths have been reported from zombie attacks and home invasions in some gun ban states in the U.S. generally in some of their major cities. Golden fears that  homeowners will shoot first and ask questions later. Forensically, they may be charged with murder based on the new evidence standard.   

 

The study was conducted by Blephescu for Gun Control Now, the Organization for Safer Bullets, We Hate Freedom, and the newly formed Stop Just Gun Violence, all of whom sponsored the research jointly. 

 

Dr. Golden could not be reached after this interview, and his office reports that he has taken his notes with him.